Moan for me like Helen Keller
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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