Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
