I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Randomize
