we made out on top of his cat.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
