The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
