Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
