I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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