I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
