The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
