Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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