sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
You can't just leave with hair like that
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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