Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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