I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
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