I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
