You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
