I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
