Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
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