Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
