i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
