I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
