I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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