Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Randomize
