why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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