I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
