my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
