new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
