Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
