I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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