My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I wish I only lived at night.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
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