Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
