T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
