Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Randomize
