it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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