Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
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