you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
