I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
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