I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Randomize
