I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Randomize
