Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
