how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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