I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize
