I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
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