I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
