is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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