I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
