gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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