my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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