the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Randomize
