My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
