Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
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