you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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