Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
