when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Randomize
