You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
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