I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
