the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Randomize
