I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
